after a piece of cheesecake and a srategy to keep me in control....

i feel much better



all my family thinks ive gone crazy still andall of them are trating me like somesort of animal specimen...

haiz



i should get some medication like those that make you sleepy and tired...so i cant think so much

or some migraine meication



i need a break...a kit kat...

so tired
im so sad i cant go cosfest

i caused 3 people to go crazy already bcus of my disorder.... a sunday school teacher...a consellor and my last time cell group leader...i dun wan anyone else to suffer bcus of knowing me....
i oso wil gila

i almost died telling my maid... but i didnt i kept my sanityto the end yayy....im quite surprised bcus usually i cannot say any further than i have a mental disorder that opposes me...this time i mangaedto say alot withou it stoppingme by force...ill kill it someday
ihope my maid doesnt go gila....bcus one thing abt this disorder is that soon after you know it fully...you will get it also

so i better not say anymore...anyway i cant allow it even if i wanted to...im not so secretive that i want to keep so many secrets
i have no choice... T.T

i think im going to tell someone everything
EVERYTHING is alot....
but i feel better already
ill tell someone....
maybe after that i can smile


i dont want to be binded down by my ownself

haiz...if no one really understood my mental disorder than thats fine....

its difficult not to think about it because my sub conscience is always against me...
its rather ironic but i cant help it even if i badly want to
even if i want to relax and stop thinking i will think more

its also not easy for me to tell out myself to people even though i hear alot from ppl
again even if i really want to i cannot becuase my subconscience does not allow it
this blody sub conscience will attack my body like a virus....

if i want to express myself it will stop me
if i want to talk more about the things about me and the things i know...it will stop me

and if i try too hard to oppose it ill go crazy
this is will cause my sub cnoscience to mess up with my body...ill get loads of things lar...
cant breathe, migraine, fever , turn pale and cold lar....
i cant help it...
and if i talk anymore about it now...ill really need o be sent to woodbridge

its like a mini jaclyn but this time i cant control it as much as i can
i cannot say anymore unless i go against it...im already going against it...

its not easy....whats in my brain is totally different...dont ask me how i know...just believe it
the only person who understands me is the other mes and if god really can....wow

now my mother thinks im ungrateful of what they are doing for me...
its not really true
but i think they are seriously stressing me out too much...plus i have problems expressing myself

im really very stress

fuck

ok people.... i dun wanna say this and i intended on keeping this issue a secret but for some ppl's safety i have to spill the beans
nobody may fuckingbelieve me...but believe it...

i have a mental disorder okay.
its sorta like schizophrenia well...its a disorder of opposing subconscience...

please fucking believe this...
i was bloody born with this disorder... my mind is set years ahead of my body
FUCKING BELIEVE IT

bcus of this my body cannot dahan it created a subconscience that is of my current age with ...
it means tat there are 2 jaclyns
and I am TRING TO BALANCE THE BLOODY 2
SADLY ive been under too much pressure which is very personal and related to family so i wont elaborate

alot of my illnessess are caused by the beliefs of the sub conscience...I CANT BLOODY HELP IT OK ITS NOT ME...
ITS JUST THE BLOODY OTHER ME WHATEVER SHIT FUcKL

so my organs are fine but my body gets confused and it often reacts badly FCKING BELIEVE IT

THIS IS JUST A scientific theory...wat im feeling now is NOT FUN
im trying my best to balance back on the line i lost it when i went to the sick bay. I TOTALLY LOST IT IN THE HOSPITAL AND YES I WNT TOTHE FUCKING HOSPITAL AND THE FUCKING DOCTOR CONFIRMED MY MADNESS AND THEY DID FUCKING TESTS ON ME BLOODY HEEEELLLLL

I HATE HOSPITALS!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM ALL THE BLOODY THINgs THERE ONLY KNOW HOW TO TAKE

TESTS
TESTS
TESTS AND MORE TESTS
they poke poke press press probe probe and take your money

i just tried to control
THATS WY I BLOODY TOLD PPL NOT TO SEND ME THERE OR TELL THE BLOODY TEACHER OR MY BLOODY PARENTS

ITS MY MIND NOT MY BODY BUT IF I WERETO TELL U ALL TAT NOONE WILL FUCKING BELIEVE ME OK!

sorry...i cant control ..okok....shit.

this is one of the reasons im trying to keep my expression down....
this is not fun
and this is not a freaking joke

IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE STAY AWAY FROM ME
THIS IS NOT JACLYN this is what i was trying to tell u virid....

I WARN YOU IF I HARM YOU IN ANYWAY I WILL GO TO JAIL

IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE DONT FUCKIN BRING ME TO A COUNSELLOR THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO FACE by MYSELF WITH MYSELF

dont try your luck.... im not safe this is fucking serious tell this to genevieve and monkey....
DONT TOUCH ME DONT COME NEAR ME

im serious...
i hav been through this before
if i have a weapon i will use it...if i lose it... it wont be me anymore
i cant control....its not me
i will use it on anbody in my sight even myself
so DONT bloody cross the line

writing this is really difficult for me...this is seriously personal so plase shut up unless its emergency like if you need to tell monkey

if you really care about me...
care about yourself and STAY AWAY I WARN YOU
if u wanna clarify urself either make sure im chained down or wait until i tell you its safe

DONT FREAKIN TRY UR LUCK
just treat me like im invisible thats enough
ignore me
YOU BETTER NOT THINK THIS IS JOKE BECUS THIS ONE OF MY FUCKING TRUE SECRETS... bloody fuck I AM UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE AND I DONT SHOW IT I NEVER DO DONT TRY YOUR LUCK

STAY AWAY i beg you....dont get hurt because of me

FOR THE FUcKING LAST TIME THIS IS NOT A JOKE IM SERIOUS

i somehow feel.... that im becoming deader and deader in school...
i thought about it...what if my problem becomes long term....how am i going to live like this...

ill have to quit choir and bring inhalers when i go for oral...
ill join art club...thanill b like tat bishie from bukiyou lol.... ( not that i want to)

i now understand how poor bishie fm bukiyou feels....
its seriously getting on my nerves no matter how much i wanna express myself ...i cant
im seriously relieved i still can smile and chuckle (silently)

i wanted to thank virid so much for saying that she would give me there beyond the beyond for my bdae present...
i intended on bowing profusingly and giving her the omygod thank u smile....
but u noe wat...i FORGOT how to smile that smile....i think i jus look spaz man....i cant even say anything...

i seriously wanted to laugh IM SERIOUS...when virid said virid got stabbed... ITS FUnNY
BUT I cANT LAUGH
even when loh was seriously funny i only could manage asmile....i like totally bang sei her lar...she was like waiting for me to respond and i...i...i...never do anything though it was really an interesting news...I DUNNO whats happening to me....

and now my chst hurts bcus i drank my coffeee too quickly

i wonder how i would survive without the board...i cant even express myself now
im trying to make the 'desperate' face but i cant i forgot how my face muscles work
i now have only 2 expressions (like yong le XD ) the goong stone look (illshow it when im neutral happy sad angry lonely tired thinking) and the smile slightly look (when something is funny)

omgoodness... something seriosly funyhappened tday...i didnt even laugh
after 2-6 history test yongle came out ...

i wrote 'how?' on the board...
with her expressionless face she read straight fomr th board ;;;

yl : how? (expressionless face)
me: ... (expressionless face)
yl : ...
me: ...
yl : *slight smile* (she is actually laughing real hard)
me : *slight smile* writes on the board ahahahahha LOL ( im actually seriously laughng damn hard inside...DAMMMNNN FUNNY OK)

and in the end when ppl looked at us...all they see is too silent goons staring at each other and suddenly smiling... STUPID LAR
LAUGH OSO FORGOT HOW TO LAUGH

now i got no choice to express myself on the blog and in my drawings ...
i tell you durin the day i have almost given up on the board...
and u noe what i almost fainted on my way home when i tried to read a book out loud and walk at the same time...
DAMN
and guess which teacher is going to believe me....damn

im so sorry virid and fish and chow and mel if i bang sei u all bcus i got no way to express my response....

nvm...since i cant jog ill diet! IF SOP CAN DO IT SO CAN I


NOW FOR SOME RANDOMNESS !!!
what i feel like doing now

10. finish work
9. diet
8. start on an extreme art spree
7. laugh and express myself to smeone
6. sleep in the nlb
5. drink a nice cuppa coffee....
4. write my story
3. playviolin
2. laugh
1. READ YAOIIII
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

alrite...i only will go to doctor when my state gets bad....bcus hor, i dun think i really need

anyway can someone follow me to NLB every thursday to sleep with me there ^^

aahh...

tomorrow help me ppl....anyone who is reading this

i cant believe im still typing...urgh i feel horrible

ok...i just had tuition and got no chance to tell my parents about my disorder so pls dun scold me and tell me...ya...things that will make my dizzy head worse

during tuition...it seems that i have really talked too much...i had no choice...
i * collapsed* halfway but dont worry its nthin serious
haha...i was doing math with a dizzy and splititng head... than i told teacher that i cannot dahan...she just orhd so i like somehow... lost it for a few mins until she woke me up...
i already dun hav enough oxygen so dun expect me to answer anyone in school...i already hav a problem walking now...

so now im in quite a plight...i feel feverish but im cold... to jessica...please dun worry
im fine...ill live sorry i cant answer ur sms ...i noonly have money...i also hav no strength

OK FOR 2MORO

• if some kind soul will bring or lend me a whiteboard tomorrow and a marker so i can communicte with ppl without blacking out...

• and also if anyone asks please explain...truthfully so i dun hav to go through the trouble of lying with my mouth closed...if any teacher ask me to go sick bay say im ok

• and ...i will go doctor if this gets any worse dont worry so please dont send me to the sick bay

• i dun wan any extra attention...i hate attention.... im seriously in quite a bad stage i wont show it so please take care of me tomorrowand keep my status low profile...let as little ppl knw myprob

and lastly thank you fish for caring for me...im sorry i worried you...

anyone who is reading this...please dont worry ok ...im fine

just take care of me tomorrow

thanks ...ps...wat im typing is not a joke

you can tok to me 2moro but i cant tok... seriously... now im going too take a nice rest and see if i get any better if u wan me to explain anything...wait till i get better first

haiz.... i think im going to die really early... today i almost had a heart attack...
IM SERIOUS...
during chinese lesson...i said ow...chows didnt seem to realize but my chest...was seriously burning...

ithurt... bad i thought i was going to like ...that time i really coudnt breathe...it rally seemed like my heart just like tok...stop there...
luckily i didnt make any noise...i dun wanna worry chws anymore...im quite surprised she actu.llly cared when i started tearing.... (i tear easily with no reason lol...)

but its ok im not human...i wanna return to what i really am...haiz

but luckily it only lasted for a few seconds so ... :P nthin much lar har...

i actually surprised ppl...when i told them i dont breathe as often as they do....i mean like...who needs to keep breathing i dun get these humans man...
i realize they breathe like...
in..out...in...out...in...out...in...out
and if they are nervous or just rn they go
inoutinoutinout

haha...its quite interesting...

i breathe normally like...hmmm
iiiinnnn....ouuutttttt...... stops for 5/6 secs iinnnnnnn...outttttt...

than when im stoning i dont breathe....at all...LOL i dun find the necessity to

than if im nervous i breathe...
in...out...innn...ouuuutttt...iiinn...outtt

i usually breathe more in front ofdoctors so i dun worry them ^^
usually i dun breathe...it scares my family HHAHA

as i said im not really human

anyway now since my lungs got problem...i have to breathe much deeper and more often....not rally used to it but im trying...so better not talk and let my lungs recovr...but im still jogging and singing ^^

i really wanna tok actually T.T i wantd explain to chows how i felt that time
i wantd to explain to jess that she was a really good insulter ^^
i wanted to tell gen i luv her too... erm in the not lesbo way
i wanted to tell virid to take care of her freinds and cherish them before they leave

sigh...but i dun really have the strength to... having public speaking was quite a challenge...and i wanna scold virid liao...she say that i got sore throat...next week if i dun get better how ? say sore throat again har...
amazingly the more i dun speak...the more i get used to not speaking...it seems like harder to express myself somehow...
like i wanna scold virid but i somehow couldnt...
i find t harder to laugh even when something said is really funny
its difficult to smile or looklike im in pain...even when i rally am...
its even difficult to look sad
must be my bad memory...im starting to forget how to move my face muscles so i can be as animted as before...

but NEVERMIND i can always blog my animation AHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH
i dun wanna end up like the poor bukiyou no silent guy...expressionless LOL i hope i get well soon...

even me trying to make a laughing face...is damn odd and unnatural...and i dun even feel lik it...
so scary....i hope i recover soon...seriously i do...

its really wierd...a devoid of expression...im actually getting used to it UAHAHA...

so since i cant talk that much ill tok more on my blog
anyway jess can u get like wynne to check out my blog sometime soon and come tok to me if got any choir comm news...bcus i cant poosibl go up to her and explain the shit sitution im in...she'll think im nuts...

and virid i cant really speak in school but i do have many things to say actually...

are you still drawing...let me see your pics ^^ i wanna work with you asap if not i expect a GOOD reason
when is the cosfest...do you need a photographer...do you wan pro shoots? do you wan me to follow yu...but ill probable not...i dislike ...
egoists ^^

AND PPL IN SCHOOL PLEASE I BEG YOU...THOUGH I CANT TALK I STILL CAN HEAR ...
PLEASE TOK TO ME BEFORE I BORE MYSELF TO DEATH I CANT EVEN TOK TO MYSELF

so please talk to me...i know i usually seem bored and stoning but now i really am... i mean...ya...if not ill really become... expressionless

sighz at this point of time i really wanna share my story...but too bad i cant
and and...DAMMIT NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE PROPERLY SUCKS
CANT TOK
CANT LAUGH ... JUS STONE an the bad thing is im raelly turnin it into a habit

AHAHAHAHHAHHAHHHAAA
now i hav the same bloody problem with that cute bukiyou no silent bishie...
i cant breathe properly.... if i talk to much or laugh to hard i can go down...but still i think i should jog... than i should preserve my breathe and energy and use it more when i sing

even when i jog i feel like i can die on the spot because i cant feel oxygen even though im breathing...ifi slow down for a while gasp for a few breathes i should be able to go on...ill never give up...no matter what anyone says...ill jog until my lungs and heart are conditioned...now they are very weak....

ill never go to the doctor because of this...im sure i can handle it
im enough of being sick and weak...i already am abdly affcted by the sun...

now even though my jaws are better...i still dont have enough breath... i felt so bad
after choir...i couldnt even raise my voice to greet mr tay.... im so...rude...he was always so nice to us...
im so fed up... i wanna laugh like crazy but i cant...i wanna talk bt i cant..
now im even having problems trying to breathe...i just breathe and no oxygen enters!!!
AM I SO FAT I CANT BREATHE???!!!

or are my hormones like going crazy...LOL what has tat got to do withbreathing

everyone said i 've gone fatter....wow....ok im rather discouraged but ill keep trying

anyway i feel like drawing after getting inspired by kidchan...os reading books again ^.^

since i cant yack so much anymore....AAHAHAHAAARRRGGGHHH
ZEZEZEZEZEZZEZEZEZEZEZ
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i dont even feel like smiling...its not as easy as before anymore
i like...no more energy le...

during school...my jaws so pain and breathing is already at such a stage of difficulty i dun breathe very often... its so difficult to force a smile out to let ppl know im still ok....i dun wanna worry other ppl...i just need to worry about myself can liao...

but i somehow wish that even though i dun wan ppl to worry abt me or pity me or like me...or respect me or look up to me...i wish i could make more of them smile....

i wish genevieve will smile infront of me...nt only becus m cute (erm....thats wat she says)
i wish fish will smile not only bcus im funny and entertaining (well saa...)
i wish virid will smile not only bcus she wants me to ( her smile looks kinda unatural on her solemn face...LOL)
i wish monkey would smile...not becus she's currently entertaining herself bcus of her own thoughts...
i wish chow will smile...not just because i smile at her

AIYA...I JUST WISH I CAN MAKE THEM SMILE BECUASE IM ALIVE
than at least my existence wont be so useless... a gasping godfish which melts under the sun
LOLLOLLOLLL.... good example

i think the more i wish for other people to be happy...the more selfish i become...
if i wish for my own happiness...will i be even more selfish...
i wish i can grant everyone's wish....
but am i too selfish to wish for my own

saa...i really missed those times when i saw more smiles....or maybe im now just too blind
or maybe im just not worthy enough for other ppl's smiles
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

my mouth is sore...
i cant talk properly...

T.T maybe i talked too much...but i dont think i talked alot leh...my hormones are raging after the long time span o menopause...
i want to talk abt the nice bloody book... i think its called iron-somtin...but i have tithe...but my mouth is not allowing me to and my lungs cannot seem to blow up fully like it usually does...so icant really breathe properly... T.T i dun feel sick le...
i wanna share my bloody story i made for 3 years...but i got no breath and my mouth is disobeying me...

i wan a nice cup of cappucino and read my book in nice cold woods where i can enjoy nature... not the sickening library... i dun like this bloody hot place..well im now in the IT lab...
my mouthhh.... my lungsss....

i miss sophia T.T
i wanna talk to virid and fish and chow but my mouth raelly tired and i cant really breathe properly now... maybe its my hormones lol ...

im starting to draw again...more diligently now...i also wanna start translating the prose imade in chinese its part of my planned story....

translating.. *sighz*

now i dun even know what we are goin to do in the bloody lab... I HATE SCHOOOLL GAHGAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAHGAGHAGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa

well since i cant say this out loud ill rant on the keyboard....GAGAGAGAHGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGSSSSSSSSSSS

ARRRRGGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i face around my mouth is tired... T.T

hmmmmm saa lazy person